Gallinas Canyon

The whole gang, left to right, back row first, my sons Nate and Jeff, Aaron and I, oldest son, Bryan and front row, brother Travis, his wife, Charlene and family friend.

Once again it's been too long since my last post. So much going on! I'm finally back in the studio at work after two weeks of home improvement projects and a wonderful camping trip.
July 30th thru August 1st we went on a camping trip to the Gila Wilderness with a specific purpose in mind. Along for the trip were my husband, Aaron, three sons, my brother, his wife and a good friend of the family. Gallinas Canyon is a place we know well. My dad took us there many times as kids and then as teenagers. This was also the last spot we camped with my dad during the summer of 2005. Camping has always been a favorite past time in my family. This time we were there to set my dad free, to spread his ashes in his final resting place.

One of the last times I saw my dad we discussed what would happen after he passed away. We discussed where he would want his ashes spread. Of course he told me he didn't care, he won't be here so it doesn't matter to him. When I mentioned the canyon to him, he agreed it was a good choice.

Wednesday the 30th we arrived at our camp site and set up camp. The weather was beautiful, the creek was running with lots of water and we found a perfect campsite at the end of the road. We spent the first night around the campfire, roasting marshmallows and playing music. My brother improvised a marshmallow song that was too funny! My dad always loved listening to Aaron and Travis playing guitars around the campfire.

The next day, after eating a yummy camp breakfast of Chorizo and egg burritos, we set off on a hike down the canyon to find the perfect spot. We had to cross the creek several times and in several places the water was up to our knees. The water was cold but refreshing. Our old 21 year old dog, Rusty, decided to follow us on the hike and had to be carried across most of the crossings. The canyon narrowed more and more as we continued down. At one spot we had to climb up the canyon hillside to get across a waterfall section.

We finally found a huge rock sitting in the middle of the creek with a small waterfall beside it and decided it was the perfect place. Just before we took out the box containing dad's remains, a Monarch butterfly flew by us and hovered over the waterfall as if to confirm "this is the place". My brother and I took dad's ashes out and together we emptied them over the waterfall and into the rapid water below. 

No one really had anything to say, it was a melancholy moment and we spent some quiet time giving each other hugs and saying goodbye to dad.

On the way down the canyon we had passed a spot with a swimming hole and small cave area. This is where we went back to enjoy a dip in the cool creek water and take a break before we hiked back to camp. We found a tree there and left a small memorial to dad. My brother had brought some teaching pins of my dad's and we carved his dates into the tree below them.

It was such a wonderful feeling of closure once we returned to camp. We had now laid dad to rest in a beautiful place and it felt as if he was there with us. 

Dad would have truly enjoyed the second night of camping! Sometime in the evening a big, dark cloud drifted in and settled over our camp. At some point my sister in law and I decided that it was time to get ready for the rain, and just in time! We got everything put away and the rainfly on the largest tent fixed just before it started to pour! It was one of those crazy New Mexico monsoon rains that went on for about a half hour and in no time there was water running through the camp and directly UNDER the tent we had taken shelter in. The best part was all the loud thunder and lightning. Dad loved thunderstorms.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we made it through the rainstorm, although everything was damp. The next morning we packed up camp and had to find someone to give us a jump start as the batteries on BOTH vehicles died. We made it home in one piece and since the trip I haven't felt sad about losing my dad. I just think about the awesome place we laid him to rest and how much he would have enjoyed the camping trip.

Speechless

People who know me well may find it hard to believe I could ever be speechless, but it's true, I've had a down month and I tend to shut myself off from the outside world when I'm down. It's been a while since I posted a blog and I figured it was about time.

I've had dad on my mind a lot this month. I think the shock is just wearing off. 

It's not getting any easier, in fact, it seems to be getting harder. I've tried to move on and get back to my regular routine, but whenever something reminds me of dad, which is a LOT, I get all choked up and feel the pain all over again.

I like to paint happy, cheerful, colorful images. I like to be a positive person, happy and grateful. It's hard to paint and think like that when I've never felt so sad. I hate to whine, and that is the main reason I haven't blogged recently. I don't want to sound like I'm whining. 

People tell me it takes at least a year to get past the grief. I guess I should be kinder to myself. I wonder if I'll ever get past the grief.

I have gone back and forth about posting this blog, too personal and all that, but I needed to get it out.

Above is a progress photo of the painting I'm currently working on. It is a 48 inch square canvas. I still have a ways to go on this one!

I grieve

This is a great song! Thanks to Sus for reminding me of it! I first heard it on the City of Angels soundtrack, which btw, is one of my favorite movies of all time. Check out the video at the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O18A4RugiMs&eurl=http://www.last.fm/music/Peter+Gabriel/+videos/+1-O18A4RugiMs

Grief Paintings

I've finally had some time in the studio to paint my emotions and work thru some of the feelings I've had surrounding my dad's passing. Working thru my emotions and pain has been very helpful. I have finished 3 out of the 4 grief paintings that I plan to paint. I doubt these will ever be for sale, but I wanted to share them. Dealing with my dad's death has been the hardest thing I've ever gone thru. I still wake up every morning and think for a minute that it must have been a bad dream. Then I'll realize that it's very real. Tomorrow it will be one month since he left us and life is finally getting back to the regular routine. Normal is different now. I can't even remember the last time I've gone this long without talking to him on the phone or seeing him in person. Even though he lived 4 hours away from us, we almost always saw him on a monthly, if not more frequent, basis. I still miss him like crazy! There may end up being more than 4 of these, but for now, here they are;

Denial, 8 inch square oil on canvas

Pain, Sadness, Grief, 8 inch square oil on canvas

Anger, Heartache, 8 inch square oil on canvas

Oh well.....Life goes on

As my dad used to say. Life is getting back to normal a little more everyday. Tonight we have an artist's meeting at the new studio. This will be my first full week back at work. We'll see if I make it thru the whole week. Last week we took off Thursday-Saturday to get the house clean and put my dad's record collection away in one of the bedrooms.

Not sure if I've written about my dad's record collection before. My dad was nuts about music. When I say nuts, I mean he had OCD. He collected records, I'm talking vinyl here, albums and 45s, starting when he was around 16. He ended up with a collection of around 40,000 records! It's difficult to picture that many records, so let me help with the visualization. His record collection takes up one FULL bedroom! That is records all around the room floor to ceiling! Now, many people have record collections, but not only did he collect them, he organized them! They are all cataloged extensively. The 45s are cataloged chronologically by the week they hit the Billboard top 100 and also by artist alphabetically. The albums are cataloged in alphabetical order by artist. He had the top 100 singles from 1943 thru the early 1990s!

Some of my best memories as a kid were the times I spent with my dad listening to music. It's no wonder I married a musician! Dad always had a record room. When I was younger it was just a closet or half a room, but as I got older, they took up more and more space. I remember weekends spent combing yard sales, Goodwill and anywhere else he could find records for a quarter or less. My brother and I would always whine because it was so boring! He always had a list in his wallet of the records he was looking for to fill out the collection. Every week when he received his newest Billboard magazine he would show me which songs had gone up the charts, which had fallen, and which were new to the charts. That was always my favorite part because he would then play any new records for me and we would talk about what we liked or didn't like. He loved to make me mix tapes of my favorites and I would play them on my cassette player over and over. If there was a record I liked, he would buy it for me and make a tape. I rarely got to keep the record myself, unless he had a double of it!

Now, all those records are in my house and I look forward to playing them soon. We still need to put up shelves so they can be accessed and set up our record player so they can be played. I know he will be there beside me, listening to music, just like the old days.

Home again

Another week has passed and we are finally home, at least for a few weeks. This past weekend we went through dad's things and started moving things out of his house. It was way more emotionally difficult than I thought it would be. I had thought I was doing better, that is until we started clearing things out of his house. Then the emotions all flooded back in!

We are back home again and trying to get back to some semblance of a normal life. Time to get back to work and go on living. I keep hearing my dad saying "it's time to move on". I know he wouldn't want me to sit around missing him and crying over him, but somehow that doesn't help much. However, I know that moving on is what I have to do in order to get past my grief. Life does go on and I'm ready to get back to my life now. Sometimes I wish I could just forget that my dad is gone. I know that will never happen.

I'm sure everyone is getting sick of hearing me talk about it. Thank you to everyone who has left me a comment or emailed me with condolences. It really means a lot to know people are thinking about me. I will eventually post more about it but for now it's time to move on.....I know, dad, I know, I should have moved on already!

So much of my work has backed up on me while I've been floating around the past 3 weeks. I am very ready to get back to painting everyday! Plus there is a grand opening of Chroma Studios to get busy planning.

Thanks again to everyone for all their love, support and good wishes the past few weeks. I love you all!

Never the same again

It's been almost two weeks now since my dad passed away. I can still hardly believe it is real. I feel like I've been floating around above my body while it keeps moving around on autopilot.

I always wondered how I would handle the death of one of my parents. I thought it would be unbearable, and while it has been very difficult, somehow I keep on living, breathing, laughing and loving. My dad was right, life goes on. The problem is it will never be the same. I don't know how it could ever be the same. I used to talk to my dad on the phone almost everyday. We never talked long but we always ended with "I love you". I am so thankful that nothing was ever left unsaid.

My brother is a much better writer than I am, I am much better at expressing myself visually, so I will share what he wrote for the Memorial services because he said it all so well. I will eventually paint my emotions to exorcise them, until then..........

I cannot even explain the hole in my soul created by my dad's passing, But I know that anyone who has lost someone close to them, someone that was so instrumental in their development as a person, and a role-model for their existence, knows exactly how I feel. He was so important in my life, and I don't know how I will ever live without him. The emptiness is so painful and I know that it will never go away, but I keep trying to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that he left our world exactly how he wanted to. I feel so lucky because I was so very close with my dad and never left a thing unsaid. I ended every conversation with "I love you," and always knew the extent of his love for me…no question! It is still so unthinkable that he is gone and I will never have another chance to talk to him, or laugh with him, or even cry with him. But I know he is with me and I hold on tight to that thought. Dan "The Man" Manning, my father, lived for every minute, loved everyone he knew with no discrimination, and embraced life like no one I have ever known. And I promise you what he would say right now is…..life goes on…enjoy it!!

RIP Dad, I love you

Life is way too short! Last Wednesday, one day before his 65th birthday, my dad, Daniel P. Manning, passed away from a heartattack. He will be greatly missed by all who knew him. Most especially by me and my brother. I will post photos and more about his life later this week.

In case anyone who knew him sees this, we will have Memorial services for him on Friday the 18th at noon at Chapin HS in El Paso, Tx. and on Saturday the 19th at 5pm at the Mission Inn Best Western in Las Cruces, NM.