Saturday, July 26, 2008


People who know me well may find it hard to believe I could ever be speechless, but it's true, I've had a down month and I tend to shut myself off from the outside world when I'm down. It's been a while since I posted a blog and I figured it was about time.

I've had dad on my mind a lot this month. I think the shock is just wearing off. 
It's not getting any easier, in fact, it seems to be getting harder. I've tried to move on and get back to my regular routine, but whenever something reminds me of dad, which is a LOT, I get all choked up and feel the pain all over again.

I like to paint happy, cheerful, colorful images. I like to be a positive person, happy and grateful. It's hard to paint and think like that when I've never felt so sad. I hate to whine, and that is the main reason I haven't blogged recently. I don't want to sound like I'm whining. 
People tell me it takes at least a year to get past the grief. I guess I should be kinder to myself. I wonder if I'll ever get past the grief.

I have gone back and forth about posting this blog, too personal and all that, but I needed to get it out.

Above is a progress photo of the painting I'm currently working on. It is a 48 inch square canvas. I still have a ways to go on this one!


Sus said...

You're only human Paula, so yes be gentle on yourself. And it's going to take time, however long your body & mind will figure it out. But the pain will always be there, just in different amounts.

I went thru stages where everything seemed fine for a month or longer then something in my life would happen that would remind me of my dad or a memory would spark a memory and so on.

So allow yourself to feel whatever it needs to.


cynthia said...

We all have those moments!

I still think of my dad often even 26 years after his death.

Linda Blondheim said...

Hang in there. Grief takes time.

Anonymous said...

Your not whining at all. Your just letting out what you need to. I know that it is hard.Just keep painting. Painting is wonderful therapy. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Paula Manning-Lewis said...

Thanks for all the kind and wonderful comments! I just love the blogging community!

peace :)

Laura said...

Hi, ran across your blog and just had to comment...hope you don't mind.

My mother passed away very suddenly over a year ago and it has been one of the worst life experiences I have every had.

There is a Latin Proverb "Nothing dries sooner than tears"...I agree that the tears do subside. But what about the heartache…

Whether the tears result from a death of a loved one or the death of a relationship the tears do dry. The heartache seems to linger and in my experience remains but not on such a grand scale as the beginning. When we love with all our soul there is always a part of our heart that will weep as certain memories slide into our vision. Our day to day lives do and must continue but there are times when the internal tears escape and they never dry.

You are not alone in how you feel and a good example is the comments above. Take care and go easy on yourself.



Paula Manning-Lewis said...

Thanks Laura! Your comment came at a perfect time.