Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Never the same again

It's been almost two weeks now since my dad passed away. I can still hardly believe it is real. I feel like I've been floating around above my body while it keeps moving around on autopilot.

I always wondered how I would handle the death of one of my parents. I thought it would be unbearable, and while it has been very difficult, somehow I keep on living, breathing, laughing and loving. My dad was right, life goes on. The problem is it will never be the same. I don't know how it could ever be the same. I used to talk to my dad on the phone almost everyday. We never talked long but we always ended with "I love you". I am so thankful that nothing was ever left unsaid.

My brother is a much better writer than I am, I am much better at expressing myself visually, so I will share what he wrote for the Memorial services because he said it all so well. I will eventually paint my emotions to exorcise them, until then..........

I cannot even explain the hole in my soul created by my dad's passing, But I know that anyone who has lost someone close to them, someone that was so instrumental in their development as a person, and a role-model for their existence, knows exactly how I feel. He was so important in my life, and I don't know how I will ever live without him. The emptiness is so painful and I know that it will never go away, but I keep trying to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that he left our world exactly how he wanted to. I feel so lucky because I was so very close with my dad and never left a thing unsaid. I ended every conversation with "I love you," and always knew the extent of his love for me…no question! It is still so unthinkable that he is gone and I will never have another chance to talk to him, or laugh with him, or even cry with him. But I know he is with me and I hold on tight to that thought. Dan "The Man" Manning, my father, lived for every minute, loved everyone he knew with no discrimination, and embraced life like no one I have ever known. And I promise you what he would say right now is…..life goes on…enjoy it!!

4 comments:

Raine K said...

Hi Paula,
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, hope you're doing ok. Sounds like you are very lucky to have such a close family and to have had such a loving dad. It's that love that will give you the strength to keep moving forward.
Hugs,
Raine

Mamacita Caliente said...

Paula,

Sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds as if you are moving forward exactly as your dad would have wanted. Peace.

Sus said...

I think your writing is doing just fine expressing what you need to get out for now, and it's especially good to know that you aren't keeping those emotions in.

Incidentally on Wed. my best friend gave birth to a girl and my former father in-law died. Life...such a weird creature. *sigh*

Take care gal!

Linda Blondheim said...

Believe it or not, you actually do heal and move on. The pain of your Dad's death will eventually become cozy, happy memories for you and your life with him will remain with you always.
I lost my Dad when I was 38 years old. I'm 58 now. He is still wih me ach day in a happy way.
Love,
Linda